Give me an inch...

And I tend to go a little overboard.

I've been trying to figure out the nursery bedding for a few weeks now. 

(I know, it's hella early, so before you go all "shouldn't you wait until at least the second trimester?" on me, know that my wonderfully talented seamstress Aunt has offered to make the crib bedding for the nursery, and I was trying to get her a print earlier rather than later so she wasn't rushed.  Plus, I'm just a planner like that.)

Anyway. 

I looked and I looked.  I already had an idea of what I wanted because I spent mornings at home during the summer/fall looking at crib bedding. (Don't judge me.)  I wanted blues, greens and browns with an avian/nature theme, regardless of what we end up having.  I think certain softer shades of blue are becoming more girl-friendly, and the idea of any pink in a nursery kind of sends my gag reflex into a tizzy.  I originally found this print collection, Natureology, and liked it very much.  People are using it all over Etsy and it's very pretty, but the browns seemed a little too dark for the black furniture Oscar and I will probably end up getting, so I continued to search. 

I found this online fabric store called Hawthorne Threads and fell in love.  I think I've looked at every inch of fabric they have for sale.  I came across this, this, and this.  Really liked them, felt they were contenders, but still didn't feel like they were it. 

Until I saw another pattern on Etsy.  A pattern I had overlooked when I was scouring Hawthorne Threads before.  A wonderful, perfect-in-every-way print with the colors I want and adorable little blue birds to boot.

I was following links around to see which other retailers sold the print, and I actually ended up finding the designer's blog, so I wrote her a note:

Hi there,
I've been scouring the Internet for a gender-neutral fabric for a nursery and I've fallen in love with the breeze palette in this.  Specifically, the Pear in Mist & Willow in Mist.  Since you're the designer, I wanted your take. :)
What do you think?  My wonderfully talented Aunt is a fantastic seamstress and has offered to make an entire crib bedding set for me.  My original idea was blues, greens & browns with a slight aviary theme.
I would looove your input!

And, she responded:

Hi Ashley,
I think definitely YES!  Those two prints will make a beautiful, very soft nursery palette. And  like to think a bit sophisticated and not to baby-ish.  Actually when I designed the line I had a lot of home decor in mind.  I myself have several pillows from the breeze palette on my living room couch.  I think a blue-green is the perfect gender-neutral base color for a nursery.  It's pretty but doesn't read "girl" and the blue isn't a typical baby boy blue.
You're so lucky to have your aunt to sew for you, so go for it.  I'd LOVE to see pictures when it's done.  :)
good luck with the room and especially the new little baby!
Jess

So I think that pretty much sums up my crib-bedding search.  I mean, I have the designer’s blessing, after all. I ordered some swatches just to be sure and they should arrive by the weekend, then I'll be able to start matching paint color options.

Starting Week 9:

Baby V is the size of a green olive or grape, and finally starting to look like a baby. Nearly an inch long and weighing in at just a fraction of an ounce, the tiny olive has earlobes, a mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct.

I'll be so happy to finally get through the first trimester. 

Really, I've been fairly lucky in the nausea department because I haven't had any, but I am having some food aversions. I haven't really been a huge fan of chicken lately.  Also, scrambled eggs (which I normally love).

As far as cravings, just pass me the saltiest things in the house - pretzels, popcorn, salt & vinegar chips, etc.  Although, I have eaten a lot of waffles for breakfast lately (weird, because I haven't really eaten them in years). 

I can also tell that I've been kind of moody.  I get this way when if I'm hungry before I realize that I am.  Kind of like I'm reverting back to age 5 when I'm sleepy and get all grumpy.  I also get irritated easily (although, I kind of always did that, it might just be more pronounced now, heh).

Speaking of, I've been doing a lot of that, too.  I conk out in front of the tv at about 8:00 each night, sleep for a few hours while Oscar plays COD, then go upstairs when he wakes me up.  I also think my attention span has gone from short to zilch, because I can't really sit still unless I'm watching tv, and even then, sometimes I can't help but fall asleep. 

I'm trying really hard to be good about my caffeine intake.  I'm having 1 cup of coffee a day for a few more days (until I finish that container) and then I have half-caff.  I cut Coke out completely (extremely hard!) and I've just been drinking water and juice for the rest of the day after my one cup. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As far as not baby-related things, I'm really pumped about my Pure Romance business.  I had my first two parties this past weekend, and I have two more this weekend, and 3 more after that.  Hopefully I'll finally get the return on my initial investment soon.  I have to say, I'm really enjoying it so far, and it'll be a great to keep a flexible schedule once the baby is born. 

We've also booked our vacation already for the year - One week in Vegas! Oscar's parents were kind enough to give us one week of their timeshare for his birthday, and we've decided to go to Vegas since neither of us have been.  I definitely want to see everything we can, but the one thing I absolutely cannot wait for is this:

Love is all I need.

Bizarre Pregnancy Dreams

I remember reading that pregnant women have bizarre dreams.  I looked up pregnancy dreams in your first trimester, and they were all boring. “I dreamt I was carrying a tire around my waist, what does that mean?” Oh, perhaps you’re nervous about your upcoming weight gain.  Triiiite.  I’ve had lots of intense dreams.  Dreams where I’m being chased, but I can’t remember by what.  One thing though, is that I’m unbelievably calm in all of them, despite the circumstances.  Here’s a few from the past week I remember:

- We weren’t completely pregnant; I had more steps to become officially pregnant, and I was flipping out that we made sure we finished them all. I distinctly remember nagging Oscar about a pregnancy checklist I was carrying around with me everywhere (Ok, so not so far off, heh).

 - A very Coraline-esque dream, bursting with vivid color.  I was fumbling through a rope-bridge kind of maze at the whim of a gigantic spider that wouldn’t let me out until I found what I was looking for.

- Dreamed I got up early and drove to a bridge with my dad and watched the sun rise.  As we talked, he told me I needed to get a real job. All I could do was look at the neon shades of yellow and orange and wonder if he was right.

- I flew around the world in a tiny airplane with a tourguide. He landed at this beautiful deserted beach in South America and told me I could take a swim, so I did.  Then he told me to be wary of the electric eels in the water, so I promptly got out and laid down a towel on the beach.  He then said there were flesh-eating birds with really long beaks called Turoks (a subconscious throwback to the video game, maybe?), and they would burrow through my towel and chew my skin off if I wasn’t careful.  “Screw that!,” I screamed.  “Why would you bring me to a beautiful beach full of harmful creatures?? Get me the hell out of here!” So I hopped back into the plane, making sure there weren’t any Turok stowaways, and we left, off to find a new place to visit.

 - Last night I dreamed I was on the cast of Dexter, running from some crazy Madman that wanted Lieutenant LaGeurta dead.  She lived in a house that my neighbors from the first house we moved into in Atlanta lived in, and I lived next door, in the very house we moved into.  Batista had stopped traffic about a mile down the street, asking people about the killer, and I somehow found myself in LaGuerta’s house, watching the killer circle her.  My cell phone wasn’t working, but I remembered I had a home line at my house, so I ran next door to call, and it wasn’t working, either.  Finally, I realized, “Duh, idiot, you can hop in your car and bring Batista here, but hopefully you can do it in time before LaGuerta gets cut to pieces.”  Then I woke up to Oscar turning on the shower this morning.

Anybody care to decipher these, heh? 

Trying to keep tabs on baby blueberry*

So here I am, finishing up week 7 of the verrrry long journey I have ahead of me.

I have been pretty sluggish the past few days, but I've discovered that added fresh squeezed lime juice to the huge glasses of water I'm supposed to be drinking helps with that.  Hopefully, it'll also help with my face, which has proceeded to break out like Vesuvius and I'm not allowed to use Benzoyl Peroxide or Salicylic Acid medications because "nobody has proven it doesn't sink into your skin." Thanks, What to Expect.

Speaking of, that book, What to Expect when you're Expecting - has quickly turned into the bain of my existence, because it loves to tell me what I'm no longer allowed to do.  It MAKES crazy pregnant women.

Obviously, I knew my heroin habit was out, and the margaritas were out, but sliced deli meat?  (Because of the possible bacteria it could contain, or something silly like that).  Of course, all I want now is slices of pastrami and honey ham.

My Mom and I went out Saturday and went to every baby store Kennesaw has to offer.  It was nice - actually feeling legit about being there.  Since I'd been dreaming about a baby for a while now, I already have a plan of how I want the nursery to look.  It hasn't changed much, really.  I'm thinking blues, greens, and lighter shades of brown, preferably a avian/nature theme of some kind, paired with the contemporary black furniture that Oscar really likes.

I haven't found pre-made bedding that's really done anything for me except the extremely overpriced DwellStudio prints, but I found an online fabric store that specializes in all these funky modern prints.  If I can give my Aunt/Grandma the style number, they could probably sew a custom set for me (apparently, I'm the only Barton that can't sew on a button).

I have my first ob-gyn appointment this morning, so I'm pretty anxious about it.  I have a list of questions for my doctor already (Thanks again, What to Expect), as I'm already a pretty neurotic worryer anyway.

According to the Chinese calendar and a good friend of Oscar's who says her grandpa is kinda psychic about picking baby genders, we're having a boy.  The thought excites me, because then Oscar will be satisfied about getting his "one boy in," but you can't really put a boy in cute pink tutus without getting funny looks. Really though, I could care less what we have, just as long as it's healthy and has Oscar's beautiful skin color. :)

I'm gonna try and write as much as I can here so I can compile the blog entries later and keep them.  Hopefully after this morning's first visit I'll have a more precise due date and answers to at least a few of my neurotic questions.  Fingers crossed.

NOTE: Went to the doc and she confirmed that I am actually 6 weeks, one day, with a due date of September 1, 2010.   Sooo, baby blueberry is a little smaller, more like baby peanut. 

*about the size this week.

The first day of the rest of your life

It happened noooothing like I thought it would.  Wednesday morning I wake up feeling like absolute garbage, thinking my period is about to rear its' ugly head, but in the back of my mind hoping it was something else.  I went about my day: coffee, internet, housecleaning.  Around 10:30, I'm still fighting with myself in my head, and to prove my hopeful self wrong, I decided to just take a test and get it over with. 

Except this time, after 11 months of just one line, there were two.  Two very apparent pink lines.  I freaked out and called Oscar, who offered a logical solution: just take another one when you have to go.  Oh, right.  I can do that.  I had bought a whole pack of generic cheap test strips from some website along with a crapton of ovulation strips, so I had plenty.  I went downstairs and drank a full cup of water and waited.  Next time I had to go, I tested two strips.  A little lighter due to the water I'd just chugged, but both of these also had two lines.  TWO LINES. 

I called Oscar back and told him to go to CVS and pick up one of those idiot-proof digital ones, so he did.  And I drank more water, and we waited.  This time, I thought, this is gonna be the kicker.  It's more expensive so maybe it'll catch something the others didn't - like a big, fat negative.  This test shows a little hourglass sign while it's processing, so I had enough time to wash my hands and set it down to wait.  I glanced over and saw "Pregnant" and immediately thought I saw "Not Pregnant," thinking there was glare on the digital reader, so I picked it up to be sure.  No "Not," just the "Pregnant."  FOUR positive pregnancy tests, and I was hopping up and down (Softly, of course). 

After a barrage of phone calls to my Mom, Oscar (who had to go back out to work before the digital one was confirmed), and a handful of friends I swore to secrecy, I made an appointment for yesterday morning to confirm with a doctor.  I went to the same woman who I'd just seen a few weeks before for something else.  Wednesday night was worse than ANY Christmas I've ever stayed up waiting for.  Neither Oscar nor I could sleep, both waking up at 5:00 that morning.  We got ready to go and in the car, he looked at me and said, "Now, now matter what happens, we're going to be ok, right?"  I nodded and smiled nervously. 

The doctor's office was so quiet because we were the first people in there.  They called me back within a few minutes and went ahead and checked my weight and blood pressure and told me to go ahead and give them a sample to run the test with.  Oscar and I sat in that little waiting room for what seemed like hours.  Then, a nurse popped her head in and said, "Is this your first pregnancy?"  Stunned, excited, and not sure what to think, I stuttered, "yeeees??"  Oscar's eyes got huge.  "What did she MEAN is this your first pregnancy?!?"  I tried to calm him down, saying I wasn't sure, but let's not get our hopes up just yet, and she came back in with another nurse and the test and said, "congratulations, you got two lines almost immediately."  Oscar and I both teared up, and the nurses were so surprised. "We don't ever get this kind of reaction, we LIKE it!"  They both hugged us and told us congratulations and of course, we hugged each other in amazement that FIVE tests had told us what we've wanted to hear for months now. 

We waited for the doctor to come in and she estimated I'm about 6 weeks along (estimated due date late August), and went over a few basics with me before I make my first appointment.  I thanked her and the nurses about 8 times and we left, anxiously waiting to get off the elevator so we could call my Mom and Dad and let them know. 

The rest of yesterday was a total whirlwind.  We came home and wrapped an English/Spanish version of the book Are You My Mother? that I bought months ago in a crazy spell, and took it over to Oscar's parents house, telling them we found a little something for them and that we wanted to give it to them as a late Christmas present.  They started opening it together, and Oscar said, "It's something we think you'll need.....around late August."  Oscar's Mom figured it out first and she teared up, immediately coming over to me and giving me a hug, and his Dad was quick to follow.  They were completely overjoyed, and wanted to know every detail of how we found out and so on. 

Everyone else got called in succession:  Grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends.  I know it's a little early for me to be telling people, but after waiting for so long, it just didn't feel right to keep it to ourselves.  Plus, anyone that knows me KNOWS I can't keep a damn secret (good news, anyway) to save my life. 

I don't really know how it happened (I mean, OBVIOUSLY I know how it happened), but after thinking for months that there was something wrong with me, worrying for weeks that I wouldn't be able to conceive, it was the most amazing thing I could've hoped for.  I still don't know if there was something that was hindering my ability to conceive, but now that I am pregnant (still totally weird, by the way), I want to focus on being the healthiest I can possibly be, and I want to thank everyone that has *ever* given me positive feedback about the whole situation, because it was absolutely heartbreaking for me every time I took a test and it was negative. 

Now, I'm looking forward to 2010 more than anything.  I can't wait to be a mom. 

Because "silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone."

I realize this post is little out of sorts, seeing as how Thanksgiving has already passed, but I feel like it's never too late to appreciate the things you have, be it two days before Christmas or not. 

It mostly boils down to two things for me.  All that other stuff; a home, clothing, food (although, I almost gave food its own category, it's THAT important), money, they're just ways to liven up the two that really mean the most. 

1.) Family.  This year has been an extremely tough one emotionally. Losing two jobs, trying to cope with the loneliness that being jobless brings, trying to start up a business, trying to start up a second business, and of course, trying to to have a baby.  I've had more ups and downs than a tilt-a-whirl.  But the whole time, I've had Oscar, my parents, and my other parents, Carlos and Pilar, and they've been so supportive and patient with me.  I've said before how lucky I am that I love (and I mean looove) my in-laws.  So much so that I really hate calling them that, preferring my "other parents" instead.  They are so kind and so hardworking, and I am fiercely loyal to them and the rest of their family, considering Cindy and Aldo my own siblings. 

One thing both of my families share is the importance of laughter in their lives, and I feel truly lucky (there's that word again) to be a part of both. 

2.) Friends.  My friendships have also wavered some this year.  I gained one as an ex-coworker after job loss number one.  I lost one after a test of loyalty, and have been mourning that one for some time now.  I've also spent more time alone this year than I ever have.  To be frank, it kind of sucked.  But, it also led to self-discovery, which I wouldn't trade for all the friends in the world.  Really, though, I have a handful that have seen me through the darkest days 2009 offered, and they stuck it out.  You know who you are, and I am beyond thankful.

Oscar has been the constant, of course, being lucky enough to be in both major categories.  The one person I can count on to be there regardless, and also the one person I've wanted to strangle the most.  It's been difficult for me to try and figure out where I fit in this year.  Roles have changed.  Being home, I've had lots more "spare" time, and have re-arranged the house about a dozen times. I've also been the one who cleans the house, because I'm here, not off earning money (kind of a hard thing to come to grips with, considering housework = the most boring thing on the planet, I don't care what Snow White says.)  I've picked more fights with him because I've been unhappy with myself.  I know, it's a childish thing to do, but at least I recognize that I did it.  We are so lucky to have each other, because we really balance each other out.  He's calm when I'm irrational (HUGE), he's patient when I need to be (Also HUGE), he likes to cook and I'm slowly learning to, I like to bake and he doesn't care for it, I snore and he barely notices. It's little things like that coupled with the monumental things like encouraging me to seek out a job that I'll love that make me feel like I've chosen the right one.  Plus, his Mom's chiles rellenos don't hurt, either.

In 2010, I hope I can travel as much or more than I did in 2009.  I'd love to go back to San Francisco, go to AWP in Denver, go to Mexico with Oscar's family, and so on.  I hope I can get certified to teach 11th grade American Literature, the only thing that really makes any kind of sense to me.  And I really, really hope 2010 will bring allow us to be the most adorable mixed-race family Woodstock has ever seen.  Baby steps, though, right? 

As for the fast-approaching holiday, I'll leave you with the little nuggets from our Christmas cards:

"Scatter Joy!  Sprinkle Cheer!" 

And cheers to a fabulous 2010!

*quote - Gladys Browyn Stern

I hope you love poetry, too

I love when poems I already love become pertinent again:

The Trees - Philip Larkin
The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too,
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

"2009 is dead," I say to myself.  Begin afresh.